Everything changes. It’s almost like an Etch A Sketch. You can kind of shake it up and restart all over again. -Eric Fehrnstrom, Aide to Mitt Romney
Fehrnstrom’s comment this week about the Etch A Sketch game inspired a lot of political commentary and boosted both sales and fond memories of the hugely popular toy. A client of mine posed a timely question near the end of his session. “My family really sucks at letting go of grudges. So what’s the shake it all away, ya know…Etch a Sketch tool for that?” His question got me thinking about how helpful it would be if people were more like an Etch A Sketch, as least when it comes to negative feelings. Faced with upsets with our loved ones we could just turn ourselves upside down, shake a bit, and the emotional slate would be clean!
Unfortunately, life’s problems aren’t always so easy to resolve but there are some ways of communicating about and handling feelings that can help us to shake off what’s bugging us and start with a fresh slate. Given that all humans make mistakes, it is essential that we know how to recover and repair. Research shows that letting go of upsets in constructive ways is fundamental to maintaining happy, loving, long-term relationships. It’s really difficult to be positive with those around us when we hold grudges. And since we know that emotions are contagious, they are hard to hide.
If you want to let go of a grudge, the first step is to take responsibility for it. If I am upset and angry with my partner or my child, I can choose to hold on to the blame and resentment or choose to find some way to work it out and let it go. Some upsets go away with time or by putting yourself in the other person’s position. Other upsets may need to be communicated before you are able to let them go.
One of the tools that we like to teach is a structured technique that we have named “The Repair Kit.” It’s helpful with adults and kids alike. Parents can learn how to use it and then coach their kids in the process.
It’s important to choose an appropriate time and place to talk. Approach your child or partner saying, “I have something that I would like to talk to you about. Would this be a good time?” If it’s not a good time, the person who has been approached can offer a time soon after when they are available.
Now you are ready to use the repair kit. Here are the steps to follow:
1. Sit face-to-face with the person you are upset with.
2. Remember to take deep breaths while in this process.
3. Share a genuine appreciation toward the other.
4. Express something that you are upset about, making sure to use “I” statements, as with the following examples: “It made me mad when you teased me about my shirt today.” “I didn’t like it when….” Or “I don’t like it when…”
5. Now share a wish or a want that would help fix the thing you are upset about. Example: “I want you to be nice to me and not tease.”
6. After sharing one way, take the opportunity to give the other person the same respect and good listening. It’s best to clear the air in both directions.
Since one of the most common complaints that parents have is the constant bickering between their kids, we provide this communication kit to lots of families. It can be used effectively with kids as young as five or six. Once learned, this tool can be used as frequently as needed to help things run more smoothly when kids keep getting in conflict. It’s likely that an adult will need to mediate or coach the kids even after the “repair kit” is learned.
If you’d like to share this blog with the person you are upset with, another helpful element for healing hurt feelings is a sincere apology. Successful apologies include taking responsibility for the hurtful actions, a statement of regret, asking for forgiveness and some kind of pledge about future actions. But saying “sorry” only works when it’s authentic.
Don’t even try to go there until your emotional brains settle down. Mouthing words or offering an “empty apology” simply sends red flags to the receiver, whose brain will be believing the non-verbal message (I’m still really mad) rather than what is spoken (I’m so sorry). Wait until you can be sincere, and then try to understand the other person’s perspective wholeheartedly. Having another person authentically “resonate” to your pain is an important but often missing piece on the path to forgiveness.
These techniques to let go of grudges work quite effectively. It can certainly feel awkward when you first try them out, but with time and practice these gentle, loving ways can get etched into new healthy patterns of family interaction. Remember to give it a fair shake!
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