“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” –George Bernard Shaw
I’ve been a psychotherapist for over thirty years but I’m still struck, on almost a daily basis, by how very few people really know how to communicate well. If only we had all been taught the necessary skills along with reading and writing–what a difference it would make in our families! It is so easy to hurt or be hurt by our loved ones due to faulty communication. If you are a parent, it is essential that you are able to talk and listen not only to your children but to anyone who is sharing the parenting role with you.
Even when we are communicating clearly, misunderstandings can occur, but what are some of the most common mistakes all of us make? 
One of the most universal communication errors in our relationships with our parents, partners, and children is that we are tempted to speak without thinking first. On one hand, this is understandable because we are typically less guarded with people we feel close to. The downside of having this increased freedom of expression is that we often blurt things that we’d never dream of saying out loud to a friend or colleague. And then, to make matters worse, after having said something hurtful, tactless or downright mean, we often make the further mistake of justifying what we’ve said rather than apologizing and owning up to the fact that we misspoke.
Tip #1: Engage your brain before you open your mouth, and ask yourself if anyone will really be served by what you are about to say. The old adage “some things are better left unsaid” happens to be true. Healthy families are lavish when it comes to sharing positive words and more restrained and deliberate when it comes to delivering negative feedback.
Tip #2: Be generous with appreciation and acknowledge good behavior openly. In all of my years of working with couples and families, I have never once had someone complain that their parent or spouse was too warm and appreciative. On the contrary, most of us walk around feeling unseen, unheard, and often taken for granted. Even when kids make mistakes, which they will do on a regular basis, they are usually trying to be good. Positive words carry far more weight than negative ones. Just as with sports, good coaches give lots of praise in addition to suggestions for improvement.
Another common error occurs when we assume that the other person actually understands precisely what we have communicated. Unfortunately, this is very often not the case. The best remedy for this (besides making your communications short and to the point) is to learn how to do what is called active listening. Instead of simply remaining silent when you listen, repeat back, in your own words, what you just heard the other person say. This is especially relevant when something important is being shared.
Tip #3: If you are a parent and you want to make sure your child is hearing what you are saying, active listening is the remedy. After making a statement or request of your child, ask what he just heard you say. If, for example, you scolded your child for misbehavior, ask her why she just got in trouble so that you are both clear about what was communicated.
Adults in our busy, multi-tasking complicated world also will benefit from this practice. This may sound incredibly tedious, boring, and unnatural–which it will be until you get better at it. Difficult as this tool may be at first, the great news is that it really works. Active listening is an amazing tool that can prevent misunderstandings from blowing up into big fights or painful exchanges.
If you are speaking to your husband and can tell from his facial expression that something has gone wrong, simply ask him what he just heard you say. This gives you a chance to correct things right then. If you are the receiver of a message, you can check out what you have heard by starting with “In other words, what you just said is…. or what you are wanting from me right now is…” No one does this all of the time, but when something is emotionally laden and important, it is well worth practicing.
Tip #4: The more important the information being communicated, the more we need to slow down, taking time to make sure that the message we are sending is the same one that our loved one is receiving.
So many misunderstandings and hurt feelings could be avoided by setting aside the time to really talk and listen to one another. Even in the busiest of lives, there are moments in between activities–in the car on the way to and from school, at the dinner table, at bedtime, walking the dog together. Just taking fifteen minutes to talk, with all electronic devices turned off, is one small step that will make a big difference in the life of your family. Happy families feel connected to one another largely due to the quality–even more than the quantity- of the communications shared and received.
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