1. Do you spend time alone on a regular basis? When you are alone, are you comfortable or do you get anxious?
2. When your partner wants to spend time alone, do you feel rejected, scared or unloved?
3. Do you get jealous or upset when your partner spends time with other friends or family members?
4. Are you afraid that when your partner is out of sight, you are no longer in his or her thoughts?
Autonomy is the Foundation of Intimacy
If you are puzzled about what autonomy has to do with the capacity to be alone then keep reading. Autonomy gives us the ability to make choices according to our own free will. Without it, we feel like victims. If you cannot tolerate being alone, then you will choose to spend time with anyone but yourself. You will sacrifice your autonomy, your very sense of personal freedom, in order to feel connected.
If you feel that you cannot survive being alone, then fear will be in the driver’s seat. When run by fear, people choose partners who aren’t good for them (or are even dangerous) just to avoid being alone or rejected. On the other hand, if you know that you can be alone—and take care of your own needs—then you can risk being the unique individual that you are. You are able to let your partner come and go, both physically and emotionally instead of desperately clinging on for dear life.
The Balance Between Closeness and Distance
Most people value their relationships above everything else. Half of my clients come to therapy longing to find a healthy relationship, and the other half seeking to improve an already existing one. We are, by nature, social animals. But living in close quarters with family members is anything but easy. Part of what makes the dance of relationship so difficult is the ongoing tension between closeness and distance, connection and autonomy.
Unfortunately, too many people fall prey to the myth that intimacy is only about connection. Authentic connection is a big part of it, of course, since intimacy is usually defined as the feeling of closeness, trust and transparency among partners. An intimate connection, whether sexual or not, is comprised of mutual loving feelings, shared and expressed in thoughts, feelings and behavior.
Too few of us have been taught that real intimacy starts with the capacity to be alone, to know yourself with all your likes and dislikes, and then to remain true to yourself while relating to another. If you accept yourself, warts and all, you will be able to relate in a genuine way to your partner rather than trying to be what he or she wants you to be. This is the first step of authentic connection.
Why Is It So Difficult To Be Alone?
You are not to blame if you have a difficult time being alone. Part of this capacity stems from your biological wiring, part from how you were nurtured as a baby and small child, and part from your family history which might have included sickness, loss or trauma. If, as a child, you were able to form a healthy attachment to your primary caretaker, you learned how to comfort yourself even when your parent was away from you.This internalized sense of a comforting parent develops into the psychological capacity to regulate anxiety, self-soothe, and experience a true authentic self. This is the capacity to be alone and know that you are still OK.
Learning To Be Alone
If you answered yes to some of the questions above, the first step is to accept, for reasons known or unknown to you, that you have some fear about being alone. The good news is that you can learn to work with your fear rather than surrendering to it. Write down some statements that are true in the present moment, and read them to yourself each day. Examples of this would be: “I can take care of myself as an adult in ways that I couldn’t as a child.” “My husband loves me even when he is not here with me.” “I am always surrounded by the love of God (or my children or my friends).”
Practice being alone for short periods of time each day, gradually building your capacity. Often a great way to start is to begin with time spent alone in prayer or meditation. Some people spend time writing in a journal, drawing or painting, listening to music, or being out in nature. Notice if you are tempted to fill your alone time with hectic “doing” rather than peaceful “being”.
As you are nurturing your ability to quiet your fearful mind and to soothe and calm yourself, practice deep breathing and relaxing your body at the same time. Classes in yoga or meditation can be very helpful, and initially practicing centering yourself while in a room with others is a great way to start.
The Benefits of Being Comfortable with Solitude
“Alone time is when I distance myself from the voices of the world so I can hear my own.” -Oprah
1. You can be yourself. As you learn to be more comfortable living in your own skin, you will be able to be more honest and open with loved ones. You can only say “YES” if you know that you can say “NO” and still be OK. This means that you can deal with conflict in healthier ways, asserting what you think and believe, and what you want or don’t want from your mate. You can tolerate having a difference of opinion and the temporary disconnect that often comes with arguing, or conversely, you can agree to follow your partner’s opinion without fear of being controlled.
2. You can be less dependent. Your partner will be relieved of the burden of entertaining you because you will each be able to pursue different activities and friendships without threatening your bond. You will realize that you don’t need to do everything together. With a bit of separation, time spent together will be more interesting and special.
3. You can feel empowered rather than victimized. And the very best gift of all–you can hear your own voice and stand up for what you want in the relationship. You don’t need to take everything personally that your partner does or doesn’t do. As you come to treasure your individuality and that of your mate, you will realize that your differences bring strength and creativity into the relationship. Your ability to be authentically close will grow and grow as your fear shrinks into the background.
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