It may be hard to believe but recent research has found that teens who learn how to argue effectively by practicing on their parents are far more likely to be able to resist peer pressure down the line. So now we know that at least all the arguing is good for something since it drives most of us parents crazy. What the research team found was that, even at 13, the kids who could talk to their moms or dads about disagreements on things like grades, chores, and friends, were 40% more likely to stand up to peer pressure down the line. In contrast, the kids who backed down right away when in conflict with parents were later found to be more passive with peers as well.
Psychologist Joseph P. Allen and his team at the University of Virginia just published the findings of their study of parents and teens, called “Predictors of Susceptibility to Peer Influence Regarding Substance Use in Adolescence” in the journal, Child Development, Volume 83. The study asked 157 kids when they were 13 years old about their biggest disagreement with their parents with follow-up interviews with the same kids and their parents at 15 and 16. The researchers were trying to figure out what made some kids more vulnerable to peer pressure to use drugs and alcohol and what parents could do about it.
What do loving and effective families do that helps prevent teens from collapsing under peer pressure? The most important piece of advice that comes from this research is for parents to listen. When parents listen to their teens, the teens listen more to their parents. That doesn’t mean that you have to agree with your kids– in fact, you can agree to disagree if need be. But the message is that if kids feel confident enough to express themselves to their parents, they also feel more empowered to be honest with their friends.
The other important message to parents is to reward and acknowledge your kids when they argue calmly, NOT when they yell, whine, insult, name-call or threaten you. For example, if your child makes a good point while arguing, the parent should acknowledge the point rather than just continue on a tirade of who’s right and who’s wrong. In other words, the parents also needs to be calm and respectful in the discussion.
It is easier to listen and to remain calm in the face of teen upset if the parent remembers that conflict between parents and teenagers is both healthy and normal. Imagine while in battle (calm battle, that is) that you are actually training your teen in assertiveness, independent decision-making, and healthy resolution of conflict. Arguments help parents and teens practice communication skills that will be required all through life with partners, friends and colleagues on the job–and, of yes, with their own teenagers someday too!
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