I don’t understand this value you place on crying. I cry and don’t feel any better after it… Any tips?

Some people feel frustrated and give up on crying when it doesn’t help them feel better or even makes them feel worse. Consider the following when crying doesn’t seem to help:

  • Perhaps you aren’t crying fully enough. It will probably not make you feel better if just well up with tears. That brings the grief up but leaves it unexpressed or unfinished. Are you letting yourself really sob or just blotting the tears away before they get halfway down your cheeks? The most healing form of crying is to go into your tears deeply, softening your belly, letting out noises, and expressing the words running through your mind.
  • Another possibility is that you might be crying about the “wrong” thing. In other words, you may be upset about something other than what you think you are crying about. The emotional brain links upsets that are symbolically related to one another and packages them together. “When my husband acts that way it reminds me of how my father used to treat me.” As you are crying, let your mind wander around a bit to see if you are also upset about something from your childhood or other past relationships or events.
  • Perhaps you are really feeling angry instead of sad. This pattern is common with women who have been traditionally socialized to think that showing anger is inappropriate. If that’s the case, try to make friends with your anger and focus your attention in that direction. Feelings often shift from one to another and back again while you are expressing them. They just want to come out. Over time, you can learn to trust the process. Your body will continue to guide you about what it needs to release and feel better.
  • Most people experience a greater benefit from crying when someone is there for support. For others, crying alone is less embarrassing. Try both and see what works better for you.
  • If you’ve tried all of the above without success, perhaps you are simply getting lost in your sad story. Emotional release helps clears the weeds of old upsets, allowing you to plant new seeds and do some positive thinking. If you can’t accomplish this on your own, a form of therapy called cognitive therapy can be particularly helpful.


  1. Interesting articles with helpful information. It’s like finding a treasure. I appreciate how you express your many points and share in your views. Thank you….

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