“Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.” -May Sarton
I talk to so many people today–women especially–who feel like they have lost touch with themselves in the constant demands of daily life. As more parents hold two jobs–one in the outside world to make money and the other within the walls of the home, the work day never ends. The children have constant needs; the housework and home repairs are never done; work life comes home via smartphones and computers; the body desperately needs fresh air and exercise. Is it possible to do all of this and still listen to the voice within?
And what if we stop listening? What happens then?
I think it’s no accident that increasing numbers of people are being diagnosed with mental disorders. In a recent training with James Duffy, M.D., he delivered the disquieting news: Mental illness is the number one cause of disability claims in America; more children and teens are in inpatient facilities for mental and emotional problems than ever; and the most prescribed drug in America is Xanax. Used for anxiety, Xanax is a highly addictive drug that brings about its own set of problems down the line.
Not to mention the high rate of divorce, the growing number of couples who are together but never having sex (with each other, at least,) and the frightening challenges that our kids face: early onset diabetes, obesity, bullying and behavior problems, and earlier onset of childhood depression.
The reasons for all of these problems are complicated, systemic and multi-determined, but all of this makes it difficult for us to take a moment to listen to ourselves, to attend to our own needs, or even to know what our needs are in the first place.
In my own personal life, when the kids were young and still at home, and I worked and had a marriage I wanted to enjoy, I found it almost impossible to locate myself. If I could have asked Siri “What does Deb need right now?” I imagine she would have groaned. Sometimes the universe would send me an answer I didn’t want, but often nada, nothing, zilch.
If the same thing is happening to you, I have a few recommendations. If you are at midlife, reread Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s A Gift by the Sea. Or read Joan Anderson’s, A Walk on the Beach: Tales of Wisdom from an Unconventional Woman. Joan does the unthinkable and goes to Cape Cod to spend a year by herself–not something a mother of young kids could ever do. But in the process of taking a sabbatical leave of family and friends, Anderson rediscovers her own feelings and yearnings apart from the needs of her husband and kids. Her subsequent books and weekend retreats help women do what she did in an abbreviated, more realistic way.
If you are a digital native (anyone under 30) or a 30-something mom or dad, you may want to check out the newly advertised app, GPS for the Soul, from the Hufffington Post. Given that it includes contributions from the originators of HeartMath and other research-based authors focused on the imperative of lowering stress for optimum health and happiness, this looks like something worth checking out. Although I find it ironic that we are having to use technology to heal us from some of the effects of too much technology, I figure if you can’t beat them, join them.
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