“We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness.” -Ellen Goodman
Far too often in my role as a psychotherapist, I have sat with couples in distress because one of them reports that he or she is no longer “in love”, and therefore must leave the relationship to find a more perfect love with someone else. Or the rejected partner tells the other to go ahead and leave, convinced that love, once lost, cannot be rekindled. How tragic that we have been so filled with images of romantic love that we think of it as something outside of our control. We wait for love, like a giant bird, to descend from some distant landscape and settle in our branches once again.
This destructive myth makes many believe that love, once set into motion, will carry us along through the complexities of life, if only we are lucky enough, or if we choose the right person. Not so, since conflict, disagreement, hardship and misunderstandings are inevitable in every close relationship. To build a strong, lasting relationship, love is better thought of as a verb not a noun. Love is hard work and includes all of the ten keys described in How’s Your Family Really Doing? This means learning things like how to listen deeply to one another, how to understand each other’s point of view, how to respect differences, argue constructively, and to forgive each other’s mistakes.
When you are feeling less than loving, several tools may be helpful. Besides trying couples counseling before making any big decision such as divorce, write a love letter, sharing in a kind way any resentments that have built up. Love can be buried under months or years of unexpressed hurts and resentments. Begin to keep a gratitude journal, writing down three things, however small, that you are grateful for each day. Treat your partner the way you would like to be treated and notice just how difficult the work of loving can be sometimes. Take responsibility for your part in keeping love alive. Don’t just sit there. Be the love you are waiting for.
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