Improving the Dance of Intimate Connection

One of our favorite self-help books for clients, especially women, who need to focus on creating more healthy boundaries is The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner, published in 1990 but still relevant today. Written by a family  therapist and staff psychologist from the Menninger Clinic, the book highlights the importance of women defining themselves and their needs and limits in relationship, rather than reacting emotionally by either distancing or attempting to control another. Readers can learn about the dance of distancing and pursuing and how it can rigidify roles thus damaging intimacy. The author deals with this common dynamic and explains the root causes of it through case examples and self-disclosure.

The book is also useful when a couple has polarized into roles of under- and over-functioning. An extremely common presenting problem in couples therapy is when one parent arrives exhausted and resentful from working constantly, in or out of the home, and the other seems carefree and confused by their partner’s fury. This dance, described in the book, intensifies over time as the less one partner does, the more the feels forced to compensate. Lerner explores this common dynamic and suggests ways to set limits and decrease enabling behaviors.