“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development.” -Rainier Maria Rilke, poet
One of the ongoing polarities in any relationship–whether between marriage partners, parents and children, or friends- is the balancing act of closeness and distance. This is the ongoing dance of intimacy, and the key is to learn to move towards and to move away without seeing either polarity as right or wrong, good or bad. To forge the bonds of relationship takes time together but also takes time apart lest the bonds begin to feel too tight or binding.
When anxiety goes up in a family or relationship due to times of rapid change, each of us has a preference for one side of the polarity. When stressed, young children cling more to one or both parents, whereas adolescents often do the opposite and pull away, locking themselves into their bedroom and refusing to talk. What do you do? What does your partner do? Is it more painful for you to be more distant from loved ones or do you feel panicked when a loved one is overly dependent on you?
It can help to become more familiar with the places that scare you. If you grew up in a family with poor boundaries– perhaps your parents wanted to know everything about you and would hover too close and be angry when you wanted to be left alone. When stressed out, you may long for the solitude you were never granted, pushing loved ones away when you are anxious. On the other hand, if you grew up in a family that highly valued independence and was more loosely connected or if you lost a parent prematurely due to death or divorce, then when stressed, you may cling to loved ones, fearing abandonment over anything else.
Once you are more aware of where you naturally fall on this polarity and how you try to compensate for the pain of your past, then you can make different choices in the present moment. The first step is to notice your tendency towards increased closeness or distance. Then you can remind yourself that you learned this as a child but that your partner or parent or friend may have learned the opposite way to cope. Just removing the negative judgment can soften your response to yourself or your loved one. Since we are powerless to stop the inevitable ebb and flow of intimacy, it helps simply to learn to notice how both closeness and distance come and go and then come back again.
Magnificent website. Plenty of useful information here. I’m sending it to several friends and also sharing elsewhere. And obviously, thanks for your effort!