“Feelings are what connect us to life and to one another. To be able to feel is one of the extraordinary gifts of humanity. To neither suppress our feelings nor be caught by them but to withstand them, that is the art.” -Jack Kornfield
As a psychotherapist, I am constantly struck by how little the average person knows about emotions– both why we have them in the first place and what we are to do about them when they cause us pain and suffering. It seems as though half of humanity wishes they could do without them–and they try very hard to avoid or suppress any painful feeling that comes along. The emotion-avoiding types say things like, “I don’t want to talk about it because then I’d feel sad,” or “It won’t change anything to get angry, so why bother…” The other half, the emotionally dramatic as-if-on-a-roller-coaster type, seems to honor their emotions, giving them not just a voice but the whole driver’s seat. These folks say things like, “I can’t do that when I don’t feel like it,” or “I can’t possibly change the way that I feel since it is who I am.”
As clinical psychologist and Buddhist practitioner Jack Kornfeld so aptly reminds us, feelings are an essential part of our humanity and we need to learn how to work with them so they don’t get the best of us. As infants, our emotions helped communicate our needs to our caregivers, and as adults they still help us to know what we like and don’t like. They are essential in order for us to be able to empathize and have compassion for ourself and others. The trick is how to find the balance between too much expression and too little, and this is what happy families strive for.
Which one of these two tendencies are you most likely to exhibit? If you aren’t sure, ask a friend or loved one. In the meantime, begin with the practice of simply becoming aware of your emotions day to day, moment to moment. Neither expressing nor suppressing but simply watching and naming your emotions as they arise is the first step in learning you can withstand them. It can take a lifetime to perfect, but even a little bit of this practice usually brings about a greater sense of control. When we learn to maintain a relaxed yet energized state of open awareness, (without forgetting to breathe), we can remain engaged in the present moment, poised for whatever may come next. Isn’t this very moment all we can do anything about?
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