One of our favorite books for couples has been on the shelves of The Family Therapy Institute of Santa Barbara for almost twenty years and is still selling. Co-authored by Drs. Jordan and Margaret Paul, Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? is now in its second edition and can be purchased with a workbook of the same name. We met Jordan and Margaret in the late 1980’s when they gave a workshop for couples sponsored by our clinic. Their model for healthy communication and the resolution of conflict is elegantly simple and has stood the test of time. It is particularly helpful for couples struggling with issues of co-dependency.
The premise of the book is that behind every act there is an intention, and that our intentions can be boiled down to only two: either to protect or to learn. Common behaviors such as controlling, pleasing and distancing are seen as ways of protecting oneself from painful feelings of being unloved, unseen, unaccepted, or unsupported in the past. The reader learns to recognize their own protective patterns, and the negative feelings or loss of love that follows rather than blame their partner for built-up resentments.
The workbook offers numerous self-assessment exercises and couple activities to help readers recognize unloving responses, move past fear, identify self-protective and negative beliefs, break down power struggles, and reach out in forgiveness. The principles outlined in this powerful, easy-to-use workbook have helped thousands of couples and families create more loving relationships.
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