“I wonder why progress looks so much like destruction.” -John Steinbeck
I have loved this quote for thirty years and a few others like it. I think it’s essential to have a touchstone to hold onto during times of rapid and radical change. Given how easy it is, in the face of change, to feel that everything around you is being destroyed, we all need something to bolster our courage to hang in there. Since change is one of the few constants in life, it is essential to have some tools available when the going gets tough.
When I was a teenager facing many dark nights of the soul, I wore a necklace carved with the words from the poet, Kahlil Gibran: “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” Gibran’s most famous book, The Prophet, is still on the shelf at my office, and I pull it out to share with my clients on a regular basis. Although Gibran is the third best-selling poet of all times (after Shakespeare and Lao-Tzu), I’ve discovered that many young people today are unfamiliar with his wisdom and are as deeply affected by his words as I once was.
I remind others (and myself) that whenever we embark on a new path, things usually get worse before they get better. When parents decide it is finally time to begin to set limits, kids often act out even more than before. When partners decide to be more assertive with one another about areas of disagreement, bigger conflicts are usually the first sign of change. Many couples report how when they finally get away alone together–sometimes after years because of having babies and young children–all they do is fight. Does this mean they are no longer in love? Usually the opposite is true. With the renewed closeness can come stored resentments, fears of abandonment, and the longing for more. As any change begins, old habits must die first–which is why progress often looks a bit like destruction.
So, as you face the exciting yet chaotic prospect of big changes in your life, remember Gibran’s message about joy and sorrow: “Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.” Or as Jack Kornfield might add, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
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