One of our most popular books for anyone who wants to read up on the secrets of happy relationships is called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by psychologist John Gottman and Nan Silver, published in 2000. Gottman revolutionized the study of marriage by using rigorous scientific procedures to observe the habits of married couples in great detail for the past 35 years. The Gottman Relationship Institute in Seattle, Washington, offers workshops for couples, professional training, and information via audio and video as well. The Family Therapy Institute of Santa Barbara sponsored a workshop with Gottman 15 years ago so that our entire staff could receive this valuable training.
The Seven Principles distills three decades of research into seven principles that can move couples toward a more harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides a framework for coping with differences and strengthening the relationship as well as specific tools to do so.
Happy marriages have one thing in common– a five to one ration of positive to negative interactions. This is something I tell every couple I work with. Most are stunned and often say something like, “So you are saying we need to have five positive interactions for every negative one? Wow, we have some work to do!” The book makes this very clear and shows how simple it can be. An example is learning to “turn toward” your loved one instead of “turning away”. Think of every little interaction– every word, every touch, every wink–as a bid for love and connection, even when the interactions are a bit (or very) annoying. If each person learns to respond (rather than ignore or react negatively) when their loved one is trying to connect, the positives begin to tally up.
Another one of the seven principles is a method for solving problems, but an equally important point made in this book, backed up by good research, is that all couples–even happily married ones- have one or two “unsolvable problems”. Just learning that having a repetitive problem is normal is a great relief to many couples who feel discouraged when still fighting about the exact same thing ten or twenty years into the relationship. Gottman teaches the reader ways to communicate about these painful topics in ways that preserve the relationship, emphasizing the need for empathy for the other’s position even when a compromise cannot be reached. These are just a few tidbits of an excellent resource well worth checking out.
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