Making Peace with Painful Memories

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It’s the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.” -Lois Lowry, author of The Giver

I am writing today inspired by this week’s celebration of Memorial Day in the United States, a tradition that began after the Civil War to honor those who lost their lives in battle. The day has always been meaningful to me because my father was a Marine who fought in the South Pacific in World War II. Although my father survived, many of his generation did not. The day brought back memories as long as he lived.

Americans have been involved in many battlegrounds since that time. We have over 23 million living veterans of past wars, many still suffering from both physical and psychological wounds, and 1 1/2 million still deployed around the world. When you add to these numbers all of the loved ones whose lives have also been affected–parents, siblings, grandparents, spouses, children–the magnitude is overwhelming.

Here are two questions that we are often asked in psychotherapy and in parent groups:

How can I help my child who went through a significant loss to process traumatic memories when they surface? How can I make peace with my own painful memories?

What troubles us about painful memories are the strong feelings that are evoked, often unbidden. Think about a time you were watching a movie, and a scene caused you to burst into tears. It can be frightening and overwhelming to have emotions bubble up, sometimes when you least expect it. It is tempting to think of them as the enemy.

Far from being our adversary, our emotions are absolutely necessary for our survival. They are our early warning system for danger, mobilizing us for action to protect ourselves if and when necessary. Intense emotions and the situations that caused them are therefore etched into our memories. Think about why kids don’t touch the hot stove more than once. When overwhelmed with bad feelings, remind yourself and your child that feelings are normal and healthy reactions to both pain and pleasure.

Emotions are also a powerful way to communicate our needs to those around us. When our children hurt themselves, their crying is designed to bring attention and help from someone close by. When we express anger appropriately to our kids, they usually get the message that their behavior had a negative impact. Our feelings communicate louder and more quickly than words.

Most importantly, when trying to make peace with a painful memory, expressing our feelings, especially with a safe person, is an essential part of healing. When your child cries about his loss, remember that the tears are not the pain but the releasing of the pain still stored in the body. Take a few deep breaths to calm yourself and listen. A little encouragement may help. “Just let it all go. I’m right here with you now.”

Helping Your Child Work Through Painful Feelings

In order to teach your child how to work with their feelings–the foundation of emotional intelligence–you can name the feeling (“You are really angry that your dad isn’t able to be here.”), listen without talking or trying to make it go away (“I understand. I don’t blame you.”) and allow or facilitate healthy ways to express it. There are many different ways to do this. Kids can draw their feelings, can throw rocks into the ocean, can write sentences and then rip them up, or any of a dozen similar forms of getting their feelings out.

One research study showed how both adults and young people who wrote about upsetting events as few as four times, for twenty minutes each time, had relief from their pain and enhanced well-being. Rituals of remembrance such as lighting a candle or writing a note of appreciation for good memories associated with the lost loved one can also help allow the healing process to continue. The importance of shared days to grieve and remember–like Memorial Day–is that we are reminded that when it comes to loss, we are never alone. Sharing with others strengthens our hearts and our compassion for others.