“This is a story about a mother, two daughters, and two dogs. This was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising kids than Western ones. But instead, it’s about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a thirteen-year-old.” -Amy Chua
When I first heard about the best-seller, The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua, I was appalled. The media coverage gave me the impression that the author was advocating an approach to parenting that seemed heartless and abusive. Given that Chua herself lacked any background in early childhood education or child psychology, it felt like a publicity stunt to sell books (and an effective one, surely!) by stirring up drama and controversy. Imagine my surprise when almost a year later, several of my close women friends told me how much they loved this book. Now I was curious. I had to read the book.
The book that I finished last week is not at all the book that I heard people screaming about on TV. The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is a memoir–not a book on parenting. In fact, the book reveals the gradual transformation of Chua’s parenting style as she sees the limitations of her initially strict, very traditional Chinese approach when it comes to her second-born child. It is beautifully written, excruciatingly honest, and full of irony and self-deprecating humor.
I highly recommend The Battle Hymn for a book group because it stimulates so many good questions and food for thought about parenting in this day and age in America. If you are like me, you’ll want to talk about it with other parents or psychotherapists. Are parents in America expecting too little or too much from children today? Are we raising a generation of kids that are spoiled, overindulged and self-centered? Has the pendulum swung too far from authoritarian models of the past toward too much permissiveness? And how should we best measure the success of our children? By their achievements in the world of work or by their health and happiness?
One of the points that Chua makes in her book repeatedly is her belief in the inherent strength of her children rather than anxiety about their fragility. This conviction allows her to push them to work harder and play less, practicing hours each day until they excel–whether in schoolwork, playing an instrument, or practicing a sport. “I’m not holding myself out as a model but I do believe that we in America can ask more of children than we typically do, and they will not only respond to the challenge, but thrive,” writes Chua. “I think we should assume strength in our children, not weakness.” What lessons can each of us learn from the tiger mother? I’m going to think about it…
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