“Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out.” –Karl Menninger
If we want to overcome our fears, and most of do, we must first be willing to examine them. Just cultivating awareness of what is going on- naming the sensations without judging and without pushing them away can be the beginning of healing. Often our bodies give us clues to what we might be experiencing. For example, angry feelings are often stored with tension in the jaw, back, shoulders, or neck. Sometimes our sadness feels like a lump in the throat. Fear can give us cold feet, sweaty palms and a pit in our stomach. What do you notice right now in your body as you read these words?
Healthy families are able to express feelings constructively, striking a balance between holding too much in and letting too much out. When communicated in non-blaming ways, both positive and negative feelings can build greater understanding and intimacy. Just being able to talk about what we are afraid of and not feel judged or ridiculed can lessen the grip that fear holds over us. Emotional intelligence begins with self-awareness, the ability to recognize our different feelings as they occur and to name them and examine what causes them.The next step is learning how to harness our emotions rather than allowing them to run wild and dominate our thinking.
Here’s a concrete example of how, as a parent. you might help your child develop more emotional intelligence. Think about something that makes your son or daughter fearful or anxious. One of the most common fears is public speaking. Although not everyone has to make speeches to large audiences, for many children just answering a question in class or offering a suggestion to a group can be intimidating. If your child gives in to the fear and stays quiet, this uncomfortable feeling may go away temporarily but it has managed to rule the moment.
You can help your child by talking openly about it, naming it as a normal fear that you also have had to get over. Have them think for a minute about the very worst thing that might happen when talking in front of class, and then have them list all the possible good things that might happen. Show them how to take a few deep breaths to help ease the tension. Notice and praise them when you see them speak out in other group situations. As the ancient Japanese proverb teaches us: “Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.”
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