Countless people suffer from social anxiety. Some people get uncomfortable speaking to strangers, while others are comfortable with small talk but are overwhelmed when having more emotional or intimate conversations. If you, or someone you love, struggles with finding and maintaining relationships, and you think that communication may be at the root, Alan Garner’s book, Conversationally Speaking: Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness, may be a helpful resource. Now in its third edition, having sold over a million copies, this book starts with the communication basics such as asking open questions, learning to listen, and starting conversations. Later chapters address such topics as handling criticism, resisting being manipulated by others, and learning effective ways to reduce anxiety.
Conversationally Speaking incorporates and explains numerous concepts from cognitive therapy such as the identification of negative beliefs about oneself and others and how these patterns can derail good communication in a hurry. In fact, the book is endorsed by both Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck, leaders of the cognitive behavioral movement. Alan Garner’s book remains in print (although originally published in 1998) because it’s one of the few books that spells out, in practical detail, what constitutes a good conversation. From body language to giving compliments, to asking questions that actually intrigue and engage others, Garner’s approach is positive and specific. With the help of Janet Woititz, Garner also co-authored Lifeskills for Adult Children, a book with similar content but aimed at the more specific audience of Adult Children of Alcoholics. Many ACA’s suffer from social anxiety and have difficulty with communication, especially when it comes to confrontation or conflict.
Besides books, there is no better substitute for learning about communicating than by joining a group, participating in a class on communication, or doing some couples counseling or family therapy. You don’t need to wait to have problems for counseling to be helpful. Many of our clients at The Family Therapy Institute are from stable, happy families who come to a few sessions of therapy or join one of our groups for the sole purpose of improving their ability to talk and listen more effectively and compassionately with their loved ones.
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